Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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