If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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