I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
