oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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