By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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