If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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