Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
