He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
