Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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