and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
