For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
