Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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