Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
