I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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