Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
