booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
