I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
