i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
