we're chasing vodka with high fives
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
As shirtless as possible
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
