I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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