Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
