I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
