When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
