I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
