I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
