i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
