i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
