tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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