I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
