I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He passed out mid-signature
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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