Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
