I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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