this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
