he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
