only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
