fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
