....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
