This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
