All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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