A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
