I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
