i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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