dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
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