soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
