it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
