Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
