1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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