Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I wish there were birth control emojis
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
