Only a mothe r could love this liver
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize