she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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