I'm lost and stupid without you.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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