Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
pray to the hookup gods
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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