the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
