I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
