my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize