I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i would punch a child for taco bell
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I need to calm my uterus...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
