Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Im part way to drunk.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
