mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
