Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
